I had a conversation today about how when I'm coaching, I find it hard to always embody the coaching mindset because my inner advice addict thrives on the dopamine hits from giving advice that turns out to be 'right' i.e. coachee gets superficially efficient win..but ultimately gets less as you've pointed out.
I even think of myself as a coach/advisor.. not just coach, maybe because I'm still a bit triggered by people who try on the coaching mindset suit but who don't truly embody it (not like you, you are sincerely the most coaching person I have ever had the privilege of knowing). Any coaching questions for how should I work with this? :)
Ultimately this article so clearly reflects to me the work I still need to do to be more coaching! Gracias Lisa
Welcome to the club! For me the dopamine hit of giving advice is: "yay, I was useful!" Sometimes I feel like a squirrel giving someone nuts and I can even feel better giving them as many different nuts as I can think of.
I want to say two things. One - I think if you are truly embodying a coaching mindset, you can more freely choose to give advice. And I personally think advice is more meaningful if I ask someone if they want it before I give it. And giving advice is not bad or wrong. I think where it is limiting is when it's mindless and two individuals get caught in a 'producer-consumer' loop. Then the advice giver is forever burdened with responsibility, and the receiver doesn't develop as much as they could.
Two - to answer your question about coaching questions. I like what Michael Bungay Stanier says about staying curious a little longer. I've tried to create the habit of pausing my advice-addict brain that immediately thinks of something when the coachee first talks. I try to embody a way of being that is totally curious - not fact-finding curious (as that would trigger advice mode) but more "let me try to capture how it is for you right now, this problem state." It helps me then to do a combo of making the current state visible and even kind of ugly, and then relating to them as totally capable of finding a way forward, even though they currently feel stuck.
For example, I had a coaching client recently who really wanted to have a more self-managing team and they saw how their competence and tendency to take responsibility for everything was really limiting the team's potential. Part of it was protecting them from the evil upper management. So I tried to pain a picture of this dynamic they were reinforcing of them being the saviour, and the upper management being the villains, making it playful, asking them to play with me and make it ugly. We explored what it cost them, their team etc. and then I didn't need to do much because the weighing scales of cost vs payoff became so asymmetric that they became activated.
My favourite coaching questions are the cleanest and simplest:
- What are you going to do about this?
- What's missing or essential to find a way forward?
- What's a first or next step?
- What's the real challenge here?
And of course none of those questions will work if my way of being isn't also love, agenda-free, judgment-free, relating to their potential, being for them etc.
So I tend to try and save any advice I might have to the very end of a coaching session (unless they specifically and genuinely ask for it, which rarely happens - also because I've established how I usually work!) and if the advice still seems relevant (often the problem we started with wasn't the real problem!), I might ask if it's helpful to share it. Or I might choose not to, if I see that they already got something really powerful and my advice is unnecessary.
And... A coaching question for you might be: what drives your advice addict? What is a mindset you have that sometimes makes it impossible NOT to give advice?
Mine is: I need to be useful and advice is the surest way to do that. And deeper than that: I am not enough - I have to offer gifts of smartness to be loved and valued! So to shift my advice addict, I try to creat alternative mindsets that inspire me more and help me be more coaching. For example, to be a good coach might mean risking being liked - it's better to create powerful shifts, than be universally liked. Or, people are more capable than I give them credit for - just be a space and a mirror and give them a little loving challenge.
Chuckling to myself at how excited I got by your comment and question, and how 99% of my response is advice. See how easy it is!
But other coaching questions for you and your advice addict:
- A provocative one: have you decided you want to shift this? Or are you on the fence?
To help you decide if it's worth shifting:
- What are the payoffs of advice mode? (Not actual benefits but the (often insidious) the reasons why it's comfortable to stay here, instead of have the breakthrough you want. Usually things like - avoid risk, avoid domination, get to be right, get to feel useful etc)
- What are the costs? (To you, the coachee, your life and relationships in general)
More:
- What are the strongest triggers for advice mode? (When are you most helpless to it?)
- What can you do if you catch yourself in that mode?
I love this. A lot of times when I am talking to others about a problem, I want them to help me expand my thinking. Advice usually does the opposite. It constrains my thinking and puts pressure on me to just do it their way. Coaching sounds much more like what I crave.
I had a conversation today about how when I'm coaching, I find it hard to always embody the coaching mindset because my inner advice addict thrives on the dopamine hits from giving advice that turns out to be 'right' i.e. coachee gets superficially efficient win..but ultimately gets less as you've pointed out.
I even think of myself as a coach/advisor.. not just coach, maybe because I'm still a bit triggered by people who try on the coaching mindset suit but who don't truly embody it (not like you, you are sincerely the most coaching person I have ever had the privilege of knowing). Any coaching questions for how should I work with this? :)
Ultimately this article so clearly reflects to me the work I still need to do to be more coaching! Gracias Lisa
Welcome to the club! For me the dopamine hit of giving advice is: "yay, I was useful!" Sometimes I feel like a squirrel giving someone nuts and I can even feel better giving them as many different nuts as I can think of.
I want to say two things. One - I think if you are truly embodying a coaching mindset, you can more freely choose to give advice. And I personally think advice is more meaningful if I ask someone if they want it before I give it. And giving advice is not bad or wrong. I think where it is limiting is when it's mindless and two individuals get caught in a 'producer-consumer' loop. Then the advice giver is forever burdened with responsibility, and the receiver doesn't develop as much as they could.
Two - to answer your question about coaching questions. I like what Michael Bungay Stanier says about staying curious a little longer. I've tried to create the habit of pausing my advice-addict brain that immediately thinks of something when the coachee first talks. I try to embody a way of being that is totally curious - not fact-finding curious (as that would trigger advice mode) but more "let me try to capture how it is for you right now, this problem state." It helps me then to do a combo of making the current state visible and even kind of ugly, and then relating to them as totally capable of finding a way forward, even though they currently feel stuck.
For example, I had a coaching client recently who really wanted to have a more self-managing team and they saw how their competence and tendency to take responsibility for everything was really limiting the team's potential. Part of it was protecting them from the evil upper management. So I tried to pain a picture of this dynamic they were reinforcing of them being the saviour, and the upper management being the villains, making it playful, asking them to play with me and make it ugly. We explored what it cost them, their team etc. and then I didn't need to do much because the weighing scales of cost vs payoff became so asymmetric that they became activated.
My favourite coaching questions are the cleanest and simplest:
- What are you going to do about this?
- What's missing or essential to find a way forward?
- What's a first or next step?
- What's the real challenge here?
And of course none of those questions will work if my way of being isn't also love, agenda-free, judgment-free, relating to their potential, being for them etc.
So I tend to try and save any advice I might have to the very end of a coaching session (unless they specifically and genuinely ask for it, which rarely happens - also because I've established how I usually work!) and if the advice still seems relevant (often the problem we started with wasn't the real problem!), I might ask if it's helpful to share it. Or I might choose not to, if I see that they already got something really powerful and my advice is unnecessary.
And... A coaching question for you might be: what drives your advice addict? What is a mindset you have that sometimes makes it impossible NOT to give advice?
Mine is: I need to be useful and advice is the surest way to do that. And deeper than that: I am not enough - I have to offer gifts of smartness to be loved and valued! So to shift my advice addict, I try to creat alternative mindsets that inspire me more and help me be more coaching. For example, to be a good coach might mean risking being liked - it's better to create powerful shifts, than be universally liked. Or, people are more capable than I give them credit for - just be a space and a mirror and give them a little loving challenge.
Chuckling to myself at how excited I got by your comment and question, and how 99% of my response is advice. See how easy it is!
But other coaching questions for you and your advice addict:
- A provocative one: have you decided you want to shift this? Or are you on the fence?
To help you decide if it's worth shifting:
- What are the payoffs of advice mode? (Not actual benefits but the (often insidious) the reasons why it's comfortable to stay here, instead of have the breakthrough you want. Usually things like - avoid risk, avoid domination, get to be right, get to feel useful etc)
- What are the costs? (To you, the coachee, your life and relationships in general)
More:
- What are the strongest triggers for advice mode? (When are you most helpless to it?)
- What can you do if you catch yourself in that mode?
- What else could you choose (if you want to)?
I love this. A lot of times when I am talking to others about a problem, I want them to help me expand my thinking. Advice usually does the opposite. It constrains my thinking and puts pressure on me to just do it their way. Coaching sounds much more like what I crave.
Yes! I like this way of looking at it - helping people expand their thinking versus constraining their thinking with their advice or agenda.